Hey, Guys: Women Don't "Owe" You Anything

Author's Note: This piece originally appeared on Medium.com. But with some recent world events, and the discovery (for me) of something called the "incel community" it seemed like a good idea to bring it over to home base and repost it in its original state.

Normally, in my writing, I try to not be so blunt and direct in my headlines and lede. I understand that I’m likely not utilizing proper search engine optimization by taking that approach, but I think there is some beauty in mystery and actually making you read to see what my point is.

However, with this topic that has caused me to place fingers to keyboard, and given that it’s aimed at a straight, cisgendered, male audience, the blunt, direct approach is probably more important.

Now, if you somehow got here, guys, and managed to avoid the headline, let me reiterate:

Women don’t owe you a goddamn thing.

No woman owes you her time.

No woman owes you her attention.

No woman is obligated to give you the time of day because you simply happen to be breathing the 

same general air that she is.

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It has become harrowing and scary, at least to me, for many women recently. Too many guys of all backgrounds treat women like props or pieces; as objects instead of individuals with actual agency, thoughts, and feelings.

The woman (and her student) that were shot and killed at the school last week because her ex refused to let her go (a situation that sadly, is much more common than anyone would really like to admit or see).

The shitty essay in the webzine The Federalist (that I am refusing to link to) that whined about “The Friend Zone” and how men and women can’t be friends and includes this eye opening reason why: men want to be friends with someone

"who shares his interest in activities such as watching movies where things explode, playing video games where things explode, or putting fireworks in things so they'll explode"

because apparently, men are either: a) all five year olds or b) women can’t possibly be interested in these things; girls are only interested in things like makeup and unicorns.

(Excuse me. I need to go get my eyes; they started to roll across the floor.)

Now look, I say this as someone who wrote columns twenty years ago in college about being in the “dreaded friend zone”. And the idea of men and women not being friends has been around even longer; hell, it serves as a key quote to one of my favorite movies ever.

But that doesn’t mean that it is true.

It doesn’t mean, guys, bros — what have you — that every woman around is supposed to be there and seen as a conquest. And if she doesn’t want to have sex with you, then she’s a bitch who doesn’t deserve your respect. Or a slut because she will sleep with other guys and not you.

If you want to date a woman, then you need to demonstrate interest in her as a person. You need to make your feelings known. And you know what? If she doesn’t reciprocate, you need to…get over it and move on.

It’s as simple as that.

Let me close with this: Your own sexual satisfaction is irrelevant. And if the only way you feel that you can be a man is to somehow belittle, demean, hector, harass and subjugate women, well, then you are not a man.